I need to speak something

Dear Martian Blog,

I need to write how I feel today. Today is how I feel and tomorrow I will feel differently. Everyday I have different thoughts and everyday I am different. We like to hold on to definitions. It gives us structure and a concrete way of explaining something. Personal identities are the same thing.

Our personal identities can be seen through the way we describe ourselves to others. The way we define ourselves on social networking pages or in job interviews. Identities are not bad but they can be limiting and often the cause of much personal pain and suffering. I have been a prisoner of my self-perceived identity for much of my life. I truly grew up with the assumption that we were all 'born to do something'. My something was running and I ingrained this belief so deeply in my mind that I structured my entire life around it.

When I became badly injured at 16 I was forced to choose between quitting running or having an operation on both legs which would leave big scars. I choose to have the operation and didn't care one bit about the scars telling myself that if I ever gave up running these scars would be there to remind me I had failed myself.

Thinking back now this is such a destructive soul destroying way to think and act! I so badly needed to be defined as someone to have any kind of confidence in myself, that I went as far as scaring my body to remind my self of this definition.

Definitions. They are dangerous things. By defining something you create division. You say what something is and at the same time say what it is not. It is through division that conflict arises. I defined myself as a runner and when I no longer was I strongly believed I was a failure. This poisonous belief leaked all through the rest of my being and into other avenues of my life.

Definitions do have a place in society. We all need to have a way to quickly communicate about common situations. For conversations to take place understandings need to be present and instant. However, so many people these days cling to definitions and don't trust in their own ability to think. They don't have their own points of view. It is far easier to take on anothers' opinion then to have your own. When we reveal ourselves to others we are putting ourselves out there to be criticized and this is scary. When we have strong opinions we will always have opposition. There will always be others who disagree. This is ok. Diversity is a powerful, beautiful and honest quality of this world.

I don't like to define myself anymore. I think my life should be my 'definition' not the words in my head or as I like to call it my lovely little internal dialogue. Everyday I have new dreams and things I would love to experience and achieve. All of these are real and I, along with the rest of the world, have the potential to do what ever it is we want. And, as long as it stems from a root of love and compassion, whatever you do will be amazing and will shine light and love on others empowering them to reach for and get to the places they dream of in their greatest of great dreams

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

- Marianne Williamson A Return To Love: Reflections on the Principles of A Course in Miracles